It’s time again for another Margie & Me Watch a Scary Movie! The other night my roommate Margie decided to join me for Final Destination and I decided to share with you what happened. Well, that was fun! For us at least. Maybe for you? Either way, we decided to do it again.
This time Margie has joined me for 1979 haunted house pic The Amityville Horror. You know, the one supposedly based on a true story (um?) and remade starring Ryan Reynolds in 2005. I love you Ryan Reynolds but whatever. Your choice in films is not always wonderful.
The Amityville Horror – USA, 1979. Dir. Stuart Rosenberg. Starring James Brolin, Margot Kidder, Rod Steiger.
If you’re not familiar with the Amityville Horror, the story follows George and Kathy Lutz and their three kids. The Lutzes move into this wonderfully creepy old house that just happened to be the site of a grisly multiple homicide the year before. Because that’s always a good idea! Maybe not surprisingly, only days after they’ve moved in ominous stuff starts happening. George starts getting really cranky and sweaty, their daughter makes an invisible friend named Jody, and their spare bedroom has a really nasty fly infestation.
That’s the gist of it. If you haven’t seen the film, our commentary might contain a few spoilers. Mostly we’re just really silly. So there’s that. Once again, she’s M and I’m E. Enjoy!
M: Creepy music.
E: I’m gonna do it!
M: Did you write “Creepy music?”
M: You could even write “Did you write creepy music?” I’ll try not to talk a lot.
E: I totally just tagged you on Twitter.
M: I know, I just got it.
M: What? *Gasp*! Did you see that Elissa? The lights were… *GASP*. Oh my gosh!
M: Who lights a cigar on a crime scene?
E: I dont know. That guy.
E: His hair is amazing.
M: It is. And his beard!
M: It’s like the remake.
M: *Gasp*. Oh my gosh.
E: Oh my god those mirrors.
M: Wow those mirrors.
M: I didn’t know that they knew.
E: Yeah I didn’t remember that either.
M: Oh my gosh, creepy. Papers falling.
E: She’s adorable. Ridiculous with the pigtails but adorable.
M: At least she tied bows around them.
E: Who just walks into a house?
M: A holy person!
M: Who goes upstairs when no one’s answering?
E: A holy person.
E: Oh my god this part.
M: What happens? What is that, bees?
E: I think they’re flies.
M: They’re bees.
M: Did he die?
M: Oh my gosh.
M: That’s really creepy looking.
E: Was she in the box?
M: Same lamp? Are you kidding me?
E: No phone calls for you!
M: There’s something going on with this guy. *Gasp*! The phone burned him!
M: Is that an old school pencil sharpener?
E: I think so.
E: Don’t go in the basement!
M: Don’t go in the basement! That’s what you just said!
E: Bears repeating.
M: There’s a cob web, don’t walk into it. He went around the cobweb.
E: Well that’s good.
M: What is this door to? Are you fucking kidding me? *Gasp*!
M: Now that lights out.
E: Seriously. Ridiculous.
M: I know.
E: And she’s not wearing pants.
M: And she’s doing ballet in front of the mirror.
M: There’s nudity.
E: I want you, you hairy man beast.
M: I can’t believe she sniffed him after he said he wanted to clean up.
M: And they had sex on the floor, not in the bed.
M: Is it him or her?
E: I don’t know.
M: I think it’s him cause she has her top on wow. Creepy music while they’re having sex! Shut up! This is not happening!
E: And so it begins.
E: Ah, so creepy.
E: Huh? That made no sense.
M: Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden?
M: Maybe cause she had children from her previous marriage?
M: The witching hour. For their house.
M: Take the dog with you.
E: Is he walking around barefoot?
M: No, he has moccasins on or something.
M: Creepy cat!
M: It’s the 4th day and it’s a Thursday.
E: Oh my god school girl. Who is this woman?
M: She’s sniffing.
E: At least it’s not his chest this time.
M: Where’s the cross?
E: I dunno.
E: Creepy children.
M: Wow, she made friends with the ghost.
E: Why does she know so many Catholic people.
M: What is that? In the toilet?
Chloe: Woof, Wooof!
E: Is that Chloe?
E: Happy nun!
E: Uh oh.
M: Not so happy nun.
M: Wow. She peeled off.
M: Oh my gosh.
M: There’s a lot of barfing.
M: This is only the 5th night??
E: I guess so.
M: She’s sniffing him again!
E: What is up with that?
M: That was intense. What time is it? 3:15. The witching hour.
E: WHY IS IT RED?
E: What are they doing?
M: Tying cans.
E: His hair is also amazing.
M: The deathly couch. That ate the money.
M: Something bad’s gonna happen!
M: He does look like shit.
M: Was that necessary?
E: Probably not.
E: This movie feels a lot slower than I remember it.
M: The witching hour again.
M: Is he going down in to the basement?? Oh, no.
E: He’s also not wearing pants.
M: Like hell!
M: Cigar guy!
E: Oh yeah.
E: It’s like the same position he was in earlier.
M: I think now he’s wearing socks.
M: It has special powers.
E: That’s not a good wind.
M: Not at all.
E: Probably better to not try praying in that house.
M: They only have one kind [of beer]?
E: Yeah, right?
M: Creepy eyes what was that?
E: I remember those eyes being a lot scarier.
M: It’s a red room…?
E: He’s gotta hate that phone by now.
M: I thought he was supposed to be on vacation.
E: He’s clearly not doing anything he’s supposed to do.
!!!OUR FRONT DOOR OPENS WITH NO WARNING (our other roommate Jess came home)!!!
M: OH MY GOSH.
J: Hi. What are you guys watching?
M: The Amityville Horror.
J: Of course. That makes perfect sense.
(And back to the movie)
M: Why is she crying?
E: I have no idea.
E: I feel like all of this church stuff is trying to be a The Exorcist kinda thing.
M: He’s blind!
E: He’s bliiiind!
E: Completely unrelated, but my legs are really sore.
E: No it’s not! Silly man.
M: That was a creepy dream.
E: What a dick.
M: Oh my gosh.
M: And he can’t leave the fire alone.
E: That sweatshirt is nasty.
E: He’s like a Man In Black.
M: Is he taking a vow of silence?
E: I think he’s just lost it.
E: Oh my gosh. The days before Google.
E: I don’t really get the whole thing where he has to look like the killer kid.
E: That expression was amazing.
M: Wasn’t she screaming George?
E: I don’t know?
E: What was that?
M: That was the crazy eye thing.
M: *GASP* Blood is in the walls!!
M: Oh my god. That’s…
E: Now it’s trying to be the Shining!
J: Yeah you would. Don’t lie.
M: Oh my god.
(DVD FREEZES AT THE FREAKIN’ CLIMAX)
E: What! WHAT!
M: Is it a glitch?
E: It’s my DVD! You gotta be kidding me.
(DVD starts again)
E: They forgot the dog.
M: Oh my god. He fell into the tar.
E: In the hell pit.
E: Pull Harry!
E: The music is crazy but not much is actually happening.
M: I thought there was gonna be more, like, gore. And I thought they would go back for the little girl instead of the dog.
E: Yeah, I feel like this one is more of a haunted house movie.
M: I feel like it’s watching an extended episode of A Haunting. Like he went through all the things like that lady did. Or the guy who was always angry.
E: I was totally thinking that like half way through.
M: Yeah, I was too.
E: I was like it’s an episode of A Haunting minus the interviews.
M: Jess is coming back in. Just to warn you. I saw her. At least, I think I saw her.
E: It was a ghost!
M: Wouldn’t it be creepy if she didn’t come in?
E: Were you scared?
M: Of course I was scared!
FRONT DOOR OPENS